Friday, March 21, 2008

Step 4: Pick the right name

As a douchebag, you'll be called many names. Primarily, these will be derogatory slurs shouted at you from non-douches. Pay them no mind. They are inferior and must not be given creedance. The thoughts and feelings of well-heeled, self-aware citizens should put no more of a dent in your ignorance than a honeybee would a freight train.

That said, your name will help give people an initial idea as to how enormous a sack of poontang potion you are. Some DB's are lucky, and can thank mom and dad for this. Certain names are just inherently linked with being a douchebag. Names like 'Todd', 'Elias' and 'Zachary' telegraph gargantuan amounts of doucheiness. In fact, many a douchephyte has found himself mistaken for bigger douchebag based solely on this criteria. Now, should you fall into this category, consider yourself a step ahead – many of your vinegar-based brothers work overtime trying to turn otherwise ordinary names into extraordinarily effective evidence of their cooch cleansing capabilities.

For those lost souls not already possessing a "traditional" douchebag eponym, there are alternatives. Much like the Nation of Islam, the nation of douche welcomes all converts. You'll need what's called a 'nom de douche.' This is often easily culled from the name you already have. Try bisecting it at some random, unobvious point. With a little luck, you could coin the next 'Xander.'

Other popular methods include: the confusing alternate spelling (e.g. Stefen), the middle name swap, or the seldom used, but highly effective first name/middle name lock-up (e.g. Peter Jon.)

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