Thursday, March 20, 2008
Step 1: Get a GIGANTIC umbrella
No self-respecting douchebag would ever set foot in any manner of precipitation with one of those cheap-o newsstand umbrellas. Any DB worth his vinegar and water knows – you must, must, MUST have one of those huge, industrial-size golf umbrellas, preferably with some kind of country club logo on it so the world can see you're an elitist, too. And don't be shy. The bigger the douchebag, the bigger the umbrella. Whether a light drizzle or a torrential, ark-necessitating affront to humanity. Spare no expense. After all, it COULD just be harmless droplets of water falling from the sky. But there's a chance it could also be millions and millions of our departed relatives urinating in unison from their clouds in heaven. And, as any scientist will tell you, dead people pee stains worse than regular pee because of the decomposition process.
*Advanced Maneuver - Feeling extra douche-y? Try standing underneath an overhang with your jumbo-sized personal rain canopy. This not only doubles your wetness protection, but effectively prevents anyone withOUT an umbrella from seeking shelter. Those idiots! Just don't forget to whistle. Again, this is an advanced maneuver – NOT intended for level 1 douches.