Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Step 6: Ready, aim, finger gun

The upper douchelon of douchebags is reserved for only the most elephantine sacks of womanly wash. They are the alphas. The silver-backs. The pride of their species. And like their simian counterparts they often communicate non-verbally. Big douches have an arsenal of winks, head-nods and hand gestures that they will deploy in conversation. These are particularly useful when asserting one's place in the douchebag hierarchy or in crowded bars and clubs where loud music can be a barrier between douchebags and their female prey.

The "finger gun", as it is known, is the simplest of such moves. Its basic nature has made it popular among novice and advanced cervical scrubs alike. And because douchebags often pride themselves on their originality, there are countless variations. So really work on making your hand pistol unique. No two should be the same.

The "finger gun" essentially involves making a rudimentary gun shape with just the thumb and forefinger, though it's popular to also include the middle finger for a double-barreled effect. This extra barrel is often seen as a sign of dominance and power, though it really isn't necessary unless you're compensating for something or you're from New Jersey. More focus should be spent on dropping the thumb to simulate the hammer on an actual firearm. This punctuates whatever statement the "finger gun" is making and signals that it is now time for "re-holstering."

Many douchebags also like to expand on this basic version by adding a 'click' or a 'pickew'-like sound to signify a gunshot. FYI - the 'click' should be as loud as possible, and followed by either a wink, a "blow", or both. These, however, are optional unless another douchebag is present. In such case, return fire until a "finger gun" battle ensues and either one of you raises his hands in "surrender" or a non-douche tries to murder you.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Step 5: The duds make the douche

Douchebags, like pack ferrets and most Eastern Europeans, congregate in small, close-knit social circles. Infiltration is difficult for several reasons; none greater than the instinctual male aversion to super tight pants. But aside from treating women with respect, nothing will set off more alarms than engaging a douchebag in properly-cut trousers. So, if you want to mingle amongst other fallopian fumigants, you will need a good pair of nut-huggers pronto.

Actual women's pants work best. It should also be noted that you may want to do this alone. Your non-douche friends will probably laugh at you browsing through racks of female knickers. Do not be deterred. The only things more off-putting than their narrow-minded embarrassment are their roomy, man-size dungarees. Forget them. They are
the prison that holds your snatch-scouring potential captive. And you will soon be free of them.

When trying on women's britches, first be sure to remove your boxer shorts to avoid bunching. Place the girlie pants at your feet and step in. Then, sit down and lay back. You should now be on the ground with your legs in the air and the pants around your ankles. Your hairy brown-eye is also probably seeing daylight. With both hands, quickly yank the pants up while thrusting your hips forward until they clear your ass. This is where your small penis will come in handy – gently tuck it between your testicles, push the whole package neatly inside, and zip up.

Aside from some general discomfort, your body may look a little top-heavy. Lighten things up with a tiny tee-shirt, for balance. This will give everyone a good idea at how unattractive you'll look naked. And the super tight fit will guarantee your sweating balls smell like an over-flowing colostomy bag.

Now master crossing your legs like a lady and you'll be ready to sit down with every mover, shaker, and doucher on the scene. No one will ever make the mistake of thinking you're NOT an enormous pouch of poon purgative again.