Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Step 6: Ready, aim, finger gun

The upper douchelon of douchebags is reserved for only the most elephantine sacks of womanly wash. They are the alphas. The silver-backs. The pride of their species. And like their simian counterparts they often communicate non-verbally. Big douches have an arsenal of winks, head-nods and hand gestures that they will deploy in conversation. These are particularly useful when asserting one's place in the douchebag hierarchy or in crowded bars and clubs where loud music can be a barrier between douchebags and their female prey.

The "finger gun", as it is known, is the simplest of such moves. Its basic nature has made it popular among novice and advanced cervical scrubs alike. And because douchebags often pride themselves on their originality, there are countless variations. So really work on making your hand pistol unique. No two should be the same.

The "finger gun" essentially involves making a rudimentary gun shape with just the thumb and forefinger, though it's popular to also include the middle finger for a double-barreled effect. This extra barrel is often seen as a sign of dominance and power, though it really isn't necessary unless you're compensating for something or you're from New Jersey. More focus should be spent on dropping the thumb to simulate the hammer on an actual firearm. This punctuates whatever statement the "finger gun" is making and signals that it is now time for "re-holstering."

Many douchebags also like to expand on this basic version by adding a 'click' or a 'pickew'-like sound to signify a gunshot. FYI - the 'click' should be as loud as possible, and followed by either a wink, a "blow", or both. These, however, are optional unless another douchebag is present. In such case, return fire until a "finger gun" battle ensues and either one of you raises his hands in "surrender" or a non-douche tries to murder you.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Step 5: The duds make the douche

Douchebags, like pack ferrets and most Eastern Europeans, congregate in small, close-knit social circles. Infiltration is difficult for several reasons; none greater than the instinctual male aversion to super tight pants. But aside from treating women with respect, nothing will set off more alarms than engaging a douchebag in properly-cut trousers. So, if you want to mingle amongst other fallopian fumigants, you will need a good pair of nut-huggers pronto.

Actual women's pants work best. It should also be noted that you may want to do this alone. Your non-douche friends will probably laugh at you browsing through racks of female knickers. Do not be deterred. The only things more off-putting than their narrow-minded embarrassment are their roomy, man-size dungarees. Forget them. They are
the prison that holds your snatch-scouring potential captive. And you will soon be free of them.

When trying on women's britches, first be sure to remove your boxer shorts to avoid bunching. Place the girlie pants at your feet and step in. Then, sit down and lay back. You should now be on the ground with your legs in the air and the pants around your ankles. Your hairy brown-eye is also probably seeing daylight. With both hands, quickly yank the pants up while thrusting your hips forward until they clear your ass. This is where your small penis will come in handy – gently tuck it between your testicles, push the whole package neatly inside, and zip up.

Aside from some general discomfort, your body may look a little top-heavy. Lighten things up with a tiny tee-shirt, for balance. This will give everyone a good idea at how unattractive you'll look naked. And the super tight fit will guarantee your sweating balls smell like an over-flowing colostomy bag.

Now master crossing your legs like a lady and you'll be ready to sit down with every mover, shaker, and doucher on the scene. No one will ever make the mistake of thinking you're NOT an enormous pouch of poon purgative again.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Step 4: Pick the right name

As a douchebag, you'll be called many names. Primarily, these will be derogatory slurs shouted at you from non-douches. Pay them no mind. They are inferior and must not be given creedance. The thoughts and feelings of well-heeled, self-aware citizens should put no more of a dent in your ignorance than a honeybee would a freight train.

That said, your name will help give people an initial idea as to how enormous a sack of poontang potion you are. Some DB's are lucky, and can thank mom and dad for this. Certain names are just inherently linked with being a douchebag. Names like 'Todd', 'Elias' and 'Zachary' telegraph gargantuan amounts of doucheiness. In fact, many a douchephyte has found himself mistaken for bigger douchebag based solely on this criteria. Now, should you fall into this category, consider yourself a step ahead – many of your vinegar-based brothers work overtime trying to turn otherwise ordinary names into extraordinarily effective evidence of their cooch cleansing capabilities.

For those lost souls not already possessing a "traditional" douchebag eponym, there are alternatives. Much like the Nation of Islam, the nation of douche welcomes all converts. You'll need what's called a 'nom de douche.' This is often easily culled from the name you already have. Try bisecting it at some random, unobvious point. With a little luck, you could coin the next 'Xander.'

Other popular methods include: the confusing alternate spelling (e.g. Stefen), the middle name swap, or the seldom used, but highly effective first name/middle name lock-up (e.g. Peter Jon.)

Step 3: Practice "The Cut"

True douchebags don't think about getting douche-y. They realize that being a douchebag is not their choice. It is, instead, as genetically pre-determined as, say, being a redhead. What IS a choice, however, is to what degree of douchedom a prolific douche will aspire to. The best of the best understand effective douchebaggery happens organically and is continual. So should your body stop moving, your douchiness must not. Just like the shark who stops swimming, the DB who stops being a complete and utter vaginal wash is dead in the water. Rest assured though – there are many ways to prevent your devolving into a well-mannered, self-aware shell of your former douchebag self.

Take for example the simple street corner. Approach a crowded intersection where people are waiting to cross. Make your way to the head of the pack and stand in FRONT of the person closest to the curb. You should now be first in line to traverse the street once the light changes. AND you've now put yourself in position to control the PACE of the cross. This important detail should be noted and exploited to its full potential whenever possible. Nothing pisses people off more than being at the mercy of a douchebag.

Try this in a crowded lobby, too. If done correctly, you should be able to transition nicely into an 'Elevator Door Save' (see Step 2 for details.) Mastery of this devastating combo will only narrow the gap between you and a PhD in doucheology.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Step 2: Stick your arm in the elevator door right before it closes

The douchiest of douchbags master this one early. But don't be fooled by it's relatively low rank of '2'. There's actually a high level of difficulty involved. Not to mention a degree of natural athletic ability not usually found in DBs.

The most important thing to remember is do not panic. And don't imagine it ripping your arm off, either. The elevator will NOT continue upward with your dismembered extremity inside while you bleed to death in the lobby. Relax. The door WILL open once your arm breaks the plane. So remain calm and really focus on jamming it in there right at the last second. Practice makes perfect. And a prolific douche never rests.

Once inside, show everyone what a big time sack of feminine hygiene cleaner you are by pressing '2'. Or better yet – look at no one in particular and say, 'Two please.' Then try not to laugh too hard while they wonder what that vinegar smell is.

Step 1: Get a GIGANTIC umbrella

No self-respecting douchebag would ever set foot in any manner of precipitation with one of those cheap-o newsstand umbrellas. Any DB worth his vinegar and water knows – you must, must, MUST have one of those huge, industrial-size golf umbrellas, preferably with some kind of country club logo on it so the world can see you're an elitist, too. And don't be shy. The bigger the douchebag, the bigger the umbrella. Whether a light drizzle or a torrential, ark-necessitating affront to humanity. Spare no expense. After all, it COULD just be harmless droplets of water falling from the sky. But there's a chance it could also be millions and millions of our departed relatives urinating in unison from their clouds in heaven. And, as any scientist will tell you, dead people pee stains worse than regular pee because of the decomposition process.

*Advanced Maneuver - Feeling extra douche-y? Try standing underneath an overhang with your jumbo-sized personal rain canopy. This not only doubles your wetness protection, but effectively prevents anyone withOUT an umbrella from seeking shelter. Those idiots! Just don't forget to whistle. Again, this is an advanced maneuver – NOT intended for level 1 douches.