Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Step 6: Ready, aim, finger gun
The upper douchelon of douchebags is reserved for only the most elephantine sacks of womanly wash. They are the alphas. The silver-backs. The pride of their species. And like their simian counterparts they often communicate non-verbally. Big douches have an arsenal of winks, head-nods and hand gestures that they will deploy in conversation. These are particularly useful when asserting one's place in the douchebag hierarchy or in crowded bars and clubs where loud music can be a barrier between douchebags and their female prey.
The "finger gun", as it is known, is the simplest of such moves. Its basic nature has made it popular among novice and advanced cervical scrubs alike. And because douchebags often pride themselves on their originality, there are countless variations. So really work on making your hand pistol unique. No two should be the same.
The "finger gun" essentially involves making a rudimentary gun shape with just the thumb and forefinger, though it's popular to also include the middle finger for a double-barreled effect. This extra barrel is often seen as a sign of dominance and power, though it really isn't necessary unless you're compensating for something or you're from New Jersey. More focus should be spent on dropping the thumb to simulate the hammer on an actual firearm. This punctuates whatever statement the "finger gun" is making and signals that it is now time for "re-holstering."
Many douchebags also like to expand on this basic version by adding a 'click' or a 'pickew'-like sound to signify a gunshot. FYI - the 'click' should be as loud as possible, and followed by either a wink, a "blow", or both. These, however, are optional unless another douchebag is present. In such case, return fire until a "finger gun" battle ensues and either one of you raises his hands in "surrender" or a non-douche tries to murder you.